Thank you

This is my mom. The most beautiful and strong person I know, both inside and out. If you knew a fraction of what she has been through and the simple fact that she survived it, you'd be amazed. To see her face every day with such optimism and a constant smile on her face - it's a fucking miracle. She has been my rock my entire life and even more so since Thanksgiving. (That's how I refer to that day, Thanksgiving...I refuse to say it another way.) On the way home from the hospital (on Thanksgiving), I told her I will survive this. I didn't know what that meant or what it'd look like other than that I would survive. She has helped me more than words can express. Mom, I love you and am so grateful for you and the special relationship we share.

Here is my Gamma family. I spent Christmas Day with these people. When they all had a million other things to do, family to see, presents to unwrap, food to eat or anything other than spending Christmas with me, they spent Christmas with me watching Mike on TV replaying him becoming the 4th strongest man in the entire world. (I should add, one point shy of 3rd. Sorry, Thor, or I should say "The Mountain.") Here are some of us at Angel and Estreya's wedding last weekend. Instead of doing wedding favors, Mr. and Mrs. Rosado made a large donation to Barbells for Boobs in memory of Mike. I really don't even have the words here to say thank you or explain how meaningful that is to me. And to the Gamma family...thank you for always being there for me and supporting me. Thank you for forgiving me when I'm having a bad day. Thank you for letting me weight shame you...I promise it's for your benefit. ;) Thank you for letting me cry if I need to and not pushing me to explain. Most of all, thank you for giving me strength. Gamma Strong!



And here is my (real) family, minus Uncle Denny and Sarah. (Uncle Denny took the picture and Sarah is in NYC living her dream!) We're a little family, but we are close. I spent the past week at their beach house simply relaxing. Somehow laying on a beach, reading a really trashy book (thank you, Amanda) and getting sun poisoning lifted a lot of weight off of my shoulders. Thank you guys for loving me even when I'm difficult. Thank you for sticking by my side when I push you away. Love you. (Sorry the picture is so dark.)

Are there really any words for these pictures? I guess I will attempt a few... For those who don't know, this is the Karate Kid headband. I'm not going to lie, I haven't seen the movie and therefore really don't find much humor in it. However, my husband did. Along with the other crazy headbands and shoes that he wore. I can't remember the exact quote, but he was often asked why he rocked the headbands and bright shoes - he just said that he wanted to have fun, simple as that. The top, left picture is him in Louisiana with Dione Wessels, the president of the American Strongman Corporation. Mike and I had been dating casually about one month when he left for this competition. I later found out, he went and bought a netbook and air card the night before leaving so he could Facebook back and forth with me while away. The 400 pound, 4th strongest man in the world told me over that netbook that he wanted to someday marry me and wanted me to be the mother of his children. I know, it sounds kind of crazy, but it worked for us. We just knew. The bottom picture is of me from yesterday, my first strongman competition. This thank you goes to the strongman community. You guys are some of the coolest people I've ever met in my entire life! I'm so glad I have met so many of you and to those I haven't actually met, we are still 'friends' via Facebook - lol, but I find inspiration in your determination to reach your goals. Thank you.

 

 

Here is the trophy I won yesterday. LOL, I'm not going to lie...there was only two people in my class! HAHAHA! It's not about winning or losing...lol, who am I kidding...but I was proud with my performance. I pulled a tractor trailer and got a picture of it in today's local newspaper. I loaded the heaviest stone I ever have done with ease. I won the Hercules hold event and tied for first in the dumbbell press. More importantly, I conquered a fear of competing. I attempted strongman and now totally disagree with my husband's smartass comment of, "Strongman is stupid." He never really believed that, to be clear. If you knew him, it was just his sense of humor. Thank you to all of you who came to support us. Thank you to Matt for introducing me to the idea of competing at this competition and helping so much yesterday. I'd say thank you for all the help leading up to it, but I didn't train at all - it was more just a, eh, let's give it a try type of thing. Thank you, Bill, for also competing and wearing Mike's smiley face headband like a boss. Bill, I'm so proud of you...for so many reasons that I can't even put into words. You are a true inspiration. Thank you.

I could go on and on thanking people for being such amazing people and rocks in my life, especially since that dreaded Thanksgiving day. Kind of ironic, the day we stop and give thanks for all that we have in life... I'm thanking people for being there after I lost the biggest part of my life on that day.

I miss Mike nonstop. I have truly come to believe that it is a pain that will never go away. Instead, it's a pain that I will learn to live with and still be able to find happiness from other things at the same time. I constantly wonder what he would say and do in whatever I'm doing. Some things I know he'd be with me, it's things we would've done together. Other things, I know he would have never done and I would never have done them if he were here. I'm thankful that I'm starting to reach a point that I'm OK with that. It's OK to be me. I can't constantly live my life refusing to do things because Mike wouldn't have done them. With that said, I went to a concert at a winery last night...haha, definitely something Mike would NOT have done! It's a bad picture, it really hadn't even started yet, but you get the idea. Here is the thing, I had fun. I truly had a wonderful time. I smiled and laughed. And, I'm not sorry nor do I regret it. I am so thankful for everyone's support to get me to this point. I'm sure it will come and go, there will be good and bad days, but I'm starting to actually believe that it's OK to do things that make me happy. Mike would want me to be happy in anyway that I can be.

My comment...

Hi love-

I wish you were here to talk to, to have someone to run things by. While some of it would be normal everyday stuff, most of it would be about the challenges I've been facing because you aren't here. How am I supposed to handle this?

The 'media' still asks for statements. For comments. I don't know why or even what they expect. All I want to tell them is that you, the man that was my entire universe, is no longer here. My best friend and the man who was to be the father to our children, he isn't here anymore and I miss him more than you could ever imagine. Other than that, leave me alone and respect my privacy and pain. It doesn't seem to matter to them. One thing I can say I have learned (or 'hardened' up about) is to truly not care about what others say. I knew you. I know the kind of husband, brother, son, grandson, friend and competitor you were. Nothing and no one will change my mind. I know how warm, loving and giving you were. I know how much you sacrificed to make your dreams come true. If someday I can become just a fraction of the person you were, if I can help a hundreth of the people, or if I can inspire one person to believe in himself...I will die a happy woman. I am and will ALWAYS be proud to be your wife.

It's somehow managed to be a good weekend! You set me up with the BEST network of people. Great workouts, shopping, tanning. Some of your strongman buddies came to do stones. I did stones! Baby, I was always your number one fan, but now that I have personally shaved my arms, taped them up, smeared disgusting tacky on me...I just don't get it! You are right, 'Strongman is stupid!' ;) Although, I might have done a song and dance when I loaded the heavier stone! What a thrill and a desire to get better each time. I do get that.

Mom and I got the future baby poundcake a present! I'm scared for her future boyfriends. I'm sorry in advance Derek. Do you remember when we picked out Princess Julia's 1st birthday present? It makes me laugh and breaks my heart at the same time. You were like a kid in a candy store. Actually, you were a 400 pound man, one of the strongest in the world and half in tears at Babies R Us with dreams of the day we would shop for our own miracle. I remember like it was yesterday, and I will never forget it.

We celebrated Bill's birthday last night at his favorite restaurant - Buffalo Wild Wings, of course! And followed up by Froyo, duh! Our members are so beautiful and strong inside and out! You would have had so much fun!

I continue to miss you every single second of the day. I woke up with Lexi snuggled close in our king size bed. I think she knows when I need some extra loving. I can't thank you enough for everything you taught me - about life, love and hard work. Most of all, I can't thank you enough for teaching me who I am, for helping me discover who I am and what I want to become.

Love you always and forever.

Your wife,
Keri

I miss you. Every ounce of my body longs for you. Every fiber aches for you, to have you back, to hear your beautiful laugh or to feel the warmth and protection of your arms around me. On a good day, it's just mental and emotional. However, I swear, on the bad days it becomes physical. It takes everything I have not to cry in public. I know if I just let one tear slip, then I'll be done for. I literally feel pain because I miss you so much.

We did the Color Run over the weekend. It was OK. But, I know you wouldn't have done it with us. Does that mean I shouldn't have done it? Would I have done it if you were here? Probably not if I am being honest. Then, now I feel like I'm doing things differently than if you were here...and I'm not sure I want to. Or, maybe I do because I have to create a new life for me. Just me.

I got sick after the run. Food poisoning I suppose. Thing is, no one was there to hold my hair back. It reminded me of that time I got sick in your truck...like on our 3rd date. Oh dear God, and you still loved me regardless. But this time, you weren't there to take care of me. I'm alone. Without you.

I miss you constantly. Lazy Sundays are no fun. Weekends tend to be the worse because I have too much free time, but yet I need it after the long weeks I have. I've been trying to open up...to let people in...I feel like I get burned constantly. And each time it hurts worse and worse. Haven't I lost enough already? Why does this have to be so hard? As much as I want to find some type of happiness again, I just don't know how many times I can put myself through the pain of being let down.

6 Months...

Hello there, 6 months...

They say, "Missing someone gets easier everyday. Because, even though it is one day further from the last time you saw each other, it is one day closer to the next day you will."

I used to lean on the quote often when you traveled. I do and always have loved quotes, I like the way in which they can make me feel better or take difficult things and make them appear so simple. This always made me feel better when you were travelling the world competing and I was at home missing you. Now, I don't know... I know people would be shocked and saddened, but one of my greatest fears now is that I will never see you again. How am I supposed to know?

I've been asking for signs from you. Signs to know that I am making you happy. Making you proud. That I'm holding up my half of 'Team Jenkins.' Maybe I'm looking too hard, or maybe not close enough. But this morning, on the 6th month anniversary of your passing, I at least found something that comforts me...I'm doing my very best to make your dream last and live on.

Remember that 7am CrossFit class that I would always leave you alone with? Not because of the time, people or whatever. Mostly because it was our smallest class and some days there would be just one or two people there?! Well, I teach it now. Almost every day. And ya know what? Today we had 13 people there! I know that's not huge, and we have bigger classes. But, our old 1-2 people 7am class is growing. Our entire box is growing! And to top it off, we did deficit deadlifts! I have so much to learn still, but I know that you taught me so many things about training myself and others. I truly have fallen in love with it! Our box, your dream, is growing more and more every single day. The Condran family, the coaches - I still want to be Jana when I grow up, and the members...oh, the members! I love them all in their own unique ways! Some you would know, and some you wouldn't, but they all have their own special roles as a part of our family now. We celebrate holidays together and many other wonderful life events! We cry together. We've done a lot of that over the past 6 months. A lot. Way too much, but we do it together. We are running the Color Run together this weekend! Ha ha ha...I know, I know...your love for running. The thing is, we do so much together and they have become my family. I am beyond thankful for them, and I'm not sure I tell them enough.

Professionally, I'd say things are going pretty well! I have found a passion through your dream, making it my dream and have been using it as a reason to get up every day. Honestly, something I still need most days...a reason to get up.

Personally, I can't say things are even a fraction as good as life with the gym is. However, I can say this, I'm progressing. It's day to day. I'm using the time to focus on me, work on goals that I'd like to accomplish and find out what makes me happy. Truth be told, I miss you every single second and think about you even more when I'm alone. The way you would make up songs and dances, the inside jokes we shared and the all around happiness and joy that we shared 24/7. Oh, and your talking hand. I don't know where you came up with half of the sh!t you did, but oh God, you made me so happy. I miss it so much. I miss you so much. I know that will never be replaced, but someday I hope to find a part two. A different, but equally good part two. And I hope and pray that you would be OK with that. I think you would be. I know it's crazy that I admit that, think about it, etc., but I believe in my heart that you wouldn't want me to be miserable for the rest of my life. Anyway, enough about that, because...it's personal. And I'm just not quite ready to share all of that with everyone yet.

I've made the decision to share this blog, with whoever wants to read it, today. It could be a huge mistake. Oh, I hope it isn't. But there is one strong, driving force that makes me want to share it...my dear friend Liz. Mike, I hope by now you have met her husband up in heaven and you guys are lifting heavy stuff together. Reading her blog, talking with her, meeting with her - it has all helped me so much. She has taught me that it is OK to live. It's OK to want to and it's OK to actually do so. If just one person could find just an ounce of hope out of all of my struggles, then I'm happy. This is beyond painful. I would never, ever wish this upon my worst enemy - hypothetically speaking that I had one! ;) Each day has been a living nightmare. I miss you all the time and truly cannot understand why you had to leave this Earth, me and our families and friends. I don't know if I will ever know why. But, I need to make the most of what is in front of me. I promise to continue making you proud, carrying on your dreams and ALWAYS taking super good care of sexy Lexi, the way her daddy did.

"If there ever comes a day when we cannot be together, keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever." - Winnie the Pooh

Oh, Mike...I miss you so much. It's been almost 6 months (2 days shy) and I just miss you so very, very much.

You made life fun. You had a way of taking life's most mundane things and making it fun. Grocery shopping, running errands, cleaning the house, long drives...all of it...you made it fun. Even worse now, things that should be fun have become chores. Weekends away, outings, going out, staying in and relaxing...all of that...it's just not the same without you. I have no real way of explaining it other than those things have become work to me. Things I feel I should do, need to do, but a majority of the time I think about how different it would be if Mike were here. How much more fun it would be.

And my fuse has gone from a mile long to an inch. I HATE that about me. Take my last post here as an example. So little can send me over the edge. People mean well, they want to help, make a mistake or are even just doing their job...whatever it is...and it just upsets me so much. And me, of all people, freak out. I hate that about me. Ironically enough, I somehow think you would enjoy it. LOL

I want to be happy again. I think you would want me to be happy again. Honestly, I just have no idea how to even do that. Where to start. I miss having someone to talk to, spend down time with, someone that gets me and loves me just the same. I miss you so much. Sometimes I wish you could send me a sign so obvious, some type of miracle I guess, to tell me if I'm on the right path. I love you.

Life changes...

That moment when you go to the dentist and they ask you to fill out the questionaire...

'Has anything changed since your last visit on 11/18/2013?' You have got to be FUCKING kidding me...

Question 1: 'Marital status?' Seriously, no fucking clue how to fill in the blank that followed that easy, two worded question. Couldn't they have given me options and a box to check off? Seriously had no idea... unlike all the people who like to compare my current situation to their break up/divorce. Thanks for trying, but this is nothing like your fucking divorce... for starters, no one chose to leave. Neither Mike or I wanted out. We were extremely happy. Again, I appreciate you trying to understand...but this isn't a failed relationship. I won't pretend to know how it feels to be in your shoes, but please give me the same respect.

Question 2: 'Emergency contact = Mike Jenkins 443-904-4760' There was your name and number...I remember putting it in my phone for the first time. LOL, I never changed it to husband, no heart...I don't know why...it stayed Mike Jenkins in my phone for years. Still there. Not you, you had a silly photo of me on your phone...back when I had the short, short hair...it always made me laugh! Well, now at the age of 28 I 'get' to put my 'mommy' as my emergency contact...freaking awesome. Not.

Question 3: 'Medicines/prescriptions' Yep, right there was the reminder I wanted...'prenatal vitamins.' Yep, because on November 18th, less than six months ago, my husband, the love of my life, my entire universe...he and I were trying so hard to have a baby.

Fuck. Just when you think you are making progress, I get knocked right back down. God, I miss you so much.

The dentist asked if I'm stressed...he said I grind my teeth at night and recommended a glass of wine before bed to calm me. Was that a fucking joke? I'm honestly not sure. And, stressed? Really?

Be a Simple (Kind of) Man

I heard your song today. Twice.

Mama told me when I was young
Come sit beside me, my only son
And listen closely to what I say.
And if you do this
It will help you some sunny day.
Take your time... Don't live too fast,
Troubles will come and they will pass.
Go find a woman and you'll find love,
And don't forget son,
There is someone up above.

[Chorus:]
And be a simple kind of man.
Be something you love and understand.
Baby, be a simple kind of man.
Oh won't you do this for me son,
If you can?

Forget your lust for the rich man's gold
All that you need is in your soul,
And you can do this if you try.
All that I want for you my son,
Is to be satisfied.

[Chorus]

Boy, don't you worry.
You'll find yourself.
Follow your heart,
And nothing else.
You can do this,
If you try.
All that I want for you my son,
Is to be satisfied.

[Chorus]

Baby, be a simple, be a simple man
Oh, be something you love and understand
Baby, be a simple kind of man

First time was at the gym this morning. I literally know it with the first note of the song. I've had my attacks when I hear it, but not today. Today, it made me smile...a thankfulness of wonderful memories. I miss you so much, but I think I'm growing and doing my best to make you proud. Although your life was WAY too short...our life together was cut extremely short, I think you lived a wonderful life while you were here. You were happy. We were happy. I heard it again tonight when I was out with mom at Paint Nite. For a second I freaked out, said we had to get out of there, but I took a couple breaths and survived...until I could hurry up and get out of there!

I accidentally washed one of the mailbox keys tonight. Found it in the bottom of the wash machine. Sound familiar? I think you are somehow hiding them because I seem to lose the multiples constantly even though I used to be the one to holler at you about this! I still often let one sit on the corner of your bathroom counter...where I could always find your copy. I know it sounds stupid. But, it's just something I do. I do a lot of things I never did before...I don't know why, but I'm trying to live the way I imagine you would have. <3

Hi sweetheart!

Wow, I miss you... I'm climbing away on the Stair Master. I'm not sure if it's a physical thing; honestly, I think it's mental, but I feel good getting in an afternoon sweat. It resets me to get through the rest of my day. It's kind of like when you and Lexi would come hang out in my office in the afternoon, reminding me of life's most wonderf gift - you, my family. I miss you every second of every single day... I always wish I could tell you this or show you that...'We are all each other have.' You said it regularly.

Anyway, I'm wasting my time away on these stairs listening to 80s music and reading a dumb 'health' magazine. The editor's letter says, 'It's okay to lose your shit. But then you move on.' It continues, 'Life isn't about existing. It's about engaging.'

Here is the thing... I lost my shit. Mentally, physically, emotionally. Everything. Really physically...have you seen my ass? Ya know what, it's time to start fucking engaging...I know it won't be easy. Actually, it's really, really hard. But, I'm trying. I smile again. Sometimes I even laugh. It feels good. Then I feel guilty. I hope you know I would NEVER choose this, but I'm stuck....stuck here without you...for likely a long time. I don't want to be sad forever. I promise to ALWAYS miss you, cherish what we had and work my hardest to carry on your legacy. But please don't be mad at me if I laugh again.

Love you always! Your loving wife..

Being happy?

Today is Wednesday. I haven't cried since Sunday morning. This feels like such a huge accomplishment!!

I finally went ahead and watched "PS: I Love You." I'm not really sure why. I just did. I cried. I sobbed. I ugly cried and soaked the pillow I was laying on with tears. But, somehow, I felt better after.

I donated a few of Mike's clothes. Well, truth be told it was a bag of clothes that his mom gave to him and sat in our basement for over a year. He said he would go through it and I just couldn't get rid of it because it might have some high school jerseys or something in it...ya know, the 2XL shirts that he couldn't fit his right arm in! I didn't even open the bag, but it was a step.

I hung some new pictures, things that I picked, for the living room. I refinished the hutch we used at our wedding. It was always part of the plan for the hutch, but I never mustered the energy to do so. Both were projects I started within the first month of Mike passing...a distraction. I finally finished them. It sounds silly, but for the longest time the LITTLEST of tasks was completely and utterly EXHAUSTING.

God, I loved that man. I love him still. I will forever. He taught me so much about life and happiness. I've also learned not to take life for granted because you just never know what tomorrow will bring. I miss him every single day...every last second of the day. But, ya know, I want to be happy. I want to have a life again. It's not going to be easy. I don't even know if it will happen. But, I'm going to try...Mike would want me to be happy.

PS I LOVE YOU

For about 10 seconds tonight, I thought it might be a good idea to watch the movie 'PS:  I love you." It was on TV and I'm bored and lonely.

Here is the part I watched/listened to...

"This wonderful man happens to me and then, and then he died! What was the point? I'm so angry I could kill somebody. I'm alone, and it doesn't matter what job I have or what I do or what I don't do or what friends I have, he's not here. I mean, you're alone, no matter what."

Yea, that was a dumb idea...

I'm trying not to think about it too much. Instead, I'm pretty excited about the idea of trying to focus on things that would make Mike proud. Things I want to accomplish for me. And for him. I go for my CrossFit Kids cert in 2 weeks and we are starting a CF Kids program at Gamma. We are planning two big contests, both to raise money for Barbells for Boobs - a non profit who helps those who can't afford a mammogram the possibility of getting one. Mike was always passionate about helping others. So, now, I will do that in his honor! I figure it can only make me a better, happier person to give to others.

After all, here is the quote I got tattooed on me right after Mike's passing...

"It's what you give of yourself to someone else to make them great that eventually makes you great."

Hi love

Hi love of my life,

Tonight I wanted to write you a letter. I know it sounds silly, after all, you are with me constantly, in my head, you know how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking without me having to write it down. Regardless, somehow it helps me feel better. I had a good couple of days. Ya know, relatively speaking. Like I didn't want to kill myself yesterday or today...it's a start.

Yesterday I officially became half owner of CrossFit Gamma! Mike C has always been good about making us feel that way, but with the change of plans...we had to adjust. So, yea, all the legal jargon is done and now...me...an owner of a gym. A business. Oh dear Lord...help our current and future members!! And help Mike C! ;-)

Truth is though, God, baby, thank you so much for leaving me with this family of people. I have no clue what I would do without them. You started this community, and they are now taking care of me day in and day out. I'm sorry you missed their first 'max out week' - it was the week of your funeral. It was a complete blur. Honestly, I don't remember it at all. But it's now 4 months later, we did your strength program and maxed out again this week. The pure and utter joy I've seen on every single person's face reminds me of you. Most of them got to meet you. We talk of you often. (They still hate smashing, and especially your nasty feet, but I will convince them again of the benefits!) Anyway, I really think you touched them in the short time that they knew you. I know they changed you (and me), too, for the best. They are all very special people. Even those that didn't get to meet you, they know of you...they tell me. Your spirit is alive and well between those purple and green walls. I know you are proud. :)

And one last thing, if you could visit with Mollie a little...I think she could use it. We all miss you, but she really misses her brother.

I love you. Always and forever.

Your wife,
Keri

Last night was quite the 'experience.' I had the night off from coaching, but I truly just love being at the gym. The atmosphere is positive and fun...and distracting. I like it!

Well, last night brought back way too many memories for me.

So few know. Actually, I think just my mom knows.

Everyone believes Mike passed away in his sleep. Yes, he did. He never did wake up. But it all happened just a little bit differently than most may think...

I woke up to what I thought was super loud snoring. Honestly, that wasn't too abnormal - Mike was approved for a CPAP machine the day before he passed away. Before I knew it, he fell off the bed. Maybe a bad dream or something, so I laughed and hollered at him to get up. There was no response other than lots of gasping for air. I got out of bed and ran around to Mike laying on the floor, eyes rolled back and eyelids almost closed. No response. Nothing. I freaked. I called 911 and they talked me through moving a 400 pound person. My husband. And then proceeded to give me directions for chest compressions. It was awful. It was God awful. My husband. 400 pounds. My husband. I've been trained for this. My husband. The ambulance came. I think we all know how it ended...

Last night a girl passed out at the gym. She is now totally fine. She has a condition and sometimes she passes out. It's happened before and will likely happen again. She was laying there, eyes rolled back...she came back extremely quickly, but it was enough to 'set me off.' Thank God for our doctors, nurses, coaches, etc., etc. She was fine. The ambulance came. Way too many similarities for someone who experienced this with her husband. Thank God this girl was fine. Beyond fine - up laughing and eating within minutes. But way too many similarities...

I'm so thankful to my friends and family for understanding my reaction. For not judging me or questioning the things running through my head last night. For just being there.

It's been a very, VERY trying couple of weeks. Something I just didn't think I was going to be able to get out of. To recover from. But, for today, this minute at least, I have a smile on my face.

I drove the two hours to State College yesterday to celebrate the birthday of my friend's late husband. (I stayed for a few hours and then drove back. Got home waayyy past my bedtime!) The first birthday of his since his passing. I dread this day. It's days like that that put me in my downward spiral - those anniversary type of days. Anyway, they had a kind of birthday celebration at the gym. It wasn't about me, at all, but somehow it helped me. To see my friend being so strong, it was admirable. They were all powerlifters. The ones who simply love the sport. There isn't any money or glory in the sport at that level. They work regular jobs, maybe even extra part time jobs, to support their love of this unrewarding sport. Again, simply for the love it. It so reminded me of the days before Mike even turned pro. The late night training sessions after working or traveling, the sacrifice, the blood, sweat and tears. It felt like coming home. People who didn't know me, but they understood. And I understood them. It was perfect and just what I needed.

Then, this morning, I slept in. I'm SO thankful for the coaches that help at CrossFit Gamma. It's been such a blessing to get time off from time to time. It makes me miss the gym all that much more, but it also gives me some 'me' time...even if that means I'm just sleeping, which in this lonely and boring life it typically does. Anyway, today was deadlifting. I F.I.N.A.L.L.Y pulled in the 300s...305 for 1. Not sure if I could have hit another one or two. Not really sure I care. I'm so excited because I know Mike saw it. Oh my gosh, he would have been so excited! I miss him so incredibly much, but I continue to be thankful for the love we shared, the life we shared...days like today I think it might just be enough to last me my lifetime. I hope so.

On the way home I hit a few hiccups that would typically throw me off - an ungrateful person who doesn't give you the 'thank you wave' when you give them the right away, man that pisses me off. The ambulance that I passed. I just will NEVER look at them the same way. The familiar Jeep of an old best friend that I miss so much. All things that upset me way more than they should, but I'm surviving.

So, I live another day. I choose to live another day when some days I doubt my desire for this. Thankful for whatever it was in the past few hours that helped me get back on a better track. Here is hoping I can stay here a little longer this time.

Talk about a freaking emotional roller coaster...

I started my day off on a somewhat 'high' - I was focused on the good, how lucky I was to have the love of such a wonderful man, even if for just 4 and a half years...because those were the best damn days of my life. Literally, every single day was the best when I was with him. Even when we were fighting, which happened almost never (and it was because I was upset with myself and my own body image), he still would do ANYTHING to make me happy, to crack a smile. Actually, my work collected one or two sentences about what we were thankful for just before we left for Thanksgiving break last year. I submitted, "I'm thankful for my husband. He is willing to do whatever it takes to make me laugh daily, even if it's singing and dancing in the grocery store." Oh, the irony...the next morning, not 24 hours later, he passed away. But truly, I was so thankful for him, the love and support he gave me on a regular basis, and the unconditional love he gave me. I'm still thankful that I got to experience that.

That leads me to why I'm sitting here at the end of the day so sad and disappointed in myself. I've always been an emotional eater. This week has been really hard. Really. Fucking. Hard. On top of it, I've been thrown off with my work schedule. So, I come home at the end of the day and eat things I shouldn't. Last night it wasn't too bad...just a little too much peanut butter. Tonight, it was ice cream and oreos dipped in chocolate. What the HELL am I thinking?! Throughout this 'process' of grieving so many people have told me I inspire them. That I am so strong. That they admire my strength and determination to survive. Yet I sit here so disappointed in myself because I feel if people really knew the struggles I go through it would let them down. I'm not nearly as strong as they believe. I crack. Sometimes I crumble.

One thing I REALLY want to work on is believing in myself. Mike ALWAYS believed in me. Always. Always. Always. Good or bad, big or small, no matter what...he believed in me and loved me just how I was. So, while I feel like I let myself down today (yep, because I ate food that I wasn't "supposed" to...), I'm thankful I survived another day. Tomorrow I will wake up to fight another day. Hopefully I won't let myself down tomorrow. Because mostly, someday, I want to truly inspire people like my husband did. I want to be a role model for them...by being a happy, healthy person who encourages others to be the best they can be. To be a catalyst. Just like my husband. <3

Today is one of Mike's best friend's birthday.

World's Strongest Man 2014 starts filming tomorrow, Saturday. Mike proposed 3 years ago on this day, too. He re-enacted our first date. It was perfect.

Our two year wedding anniversary is on Monday.

A week from today we are having our 2nd picnic at CrossFit Gamma. Mike was here for the first. He died 4 months ago on this day.

Please God, don't let me sink. Please. Because right now it's a struggle to get from one minute to the next.

That's all for today. I simply have no words to describe how scared I am.

Some of my closest friends are talking about getting pregnant, are pregnant, or, the worst, have already had multiple kids and are now done. Their families are complete. WTF. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond happy for my friends. Especially the ones who struggled for years trying to get pregnant, went through treatment, or whatever else it took. I am so happy for you. Honestly, I cannot even imagine the happiness, excitement and, probably, nervousness and anxiousness that you are feeling. I love seeing your pictures on Facebook. I love the videos even more.

With that said, sometimes it is difficult to keep the 'happy face' on. The truth is, I dreamt 24/7 about seeing Mike become a father, to create a family with him. Seeing his capacity of love for Lexi, a dog, was almost scary. We always joked about him and Lexi moving out when the babies came because Lexi was his little princess. We both knew...that was just the start of daddy's little princesses. The idea of creating a little human that was part me and part the person I loved more than myself was beyond anything I can put into words. I couldn't wait to see Mike become the father to our children that I never had. I know without a doubt in my heart that he would have been the most incredible daddy. I know because we talked about it every single day. I still save the list of baby names we had created...

Beyond the daily nightmare of navigating life by myself, lonely as f*ck, and trying to figure out what the hell 'normal' now is, I'm scared that I'll never have a family. Mike promised me that if we weren't pregnant by 32 (did I mention we had been trying for a year and a half) that we would go see a doctor. For now, we focused on his career as a Strongman and his goal to become The World's Strongest Man. I was in full support of it. One of the most hurtful things I've heard since Mike's passing came from his mother. After saying goodbye to his cold body, she walked up to me, in the hospital, and told me, "You better not be pregnant. You aren't allowed to have a piece of him and I don't." Yep... go ahead, read it again. You read it right.

Those closest to me say it's too early to say how I'll feel in a few years, where I'll be at or what I'll want. I just can't imagine never becoming someone's mommy. So, to keep my promise with Mike, at 32 I'll approach it again.

A fresh start

It's been a beautiful few days! The snow is starting to finally melt, the sun is shining and we almost hit 70 degrees today! The beginning of Spring has always been one of my favorite times of the year. Some of my most cherished memories, the small things that mean the most to me, have happened during this time of the year. I remember going for early morning jogs and then waking Mike up to tell him how it was going to be a beautiful day! We'd snuggle in bed or sit on the couch finally getting to relax on a Sunday morning while the sun would come pouring in the windows. Getting the chance to take Lexi for a long walk without having to wear layers of winter clothes, although Mike would always be in a cut off, shorts and flip flops. Bird chirping and playing outside the window. The sight of daffodils starting to blossom. I've always LOVED daffodils! To me, they represented a new beginning. A fresh start. We even had them everywhere at our wedding which also happened in March. March 24th. 13 days from today.

You'd think I'd be thankful that it is this time of the year again, although...one thing is different. One thing that makes EVERYTHING different. My husband passed away 3 and a half months ago on Thanksgiving morning, 2013, at the age of 31. It's been a long, hard, cold and numbing Winter. Every single day it took all my strength to get out of bed in hopes that Spring was just around the corner - a chance for me to possibly have a new beginning. A fresh start.

My husband and I own a gym, his hope and dream, that we started less than 3 months before he passed. It's a different kind of gym. One where you roll up the garage doors, flip tires and push prowlers outside in the warmer months. A CrossFit gym. We aren't scared to be strong and get dirty. We would go for short sprints outside between heavy lifts inside where the breeze would blow through with the music blaring. We had to put all these fun things away, roll down the garage doors and stay cooped up inside for the Winter. With the warm weather this past week we have revisited this fun way of training. Another thing I was looking so forward to, but now not so much.

With the start of Spring, the sign that warm days are to come and flowers will blossom again, the screech of the prowlers on the pavement on a brisk, Spring morning at the gym, and all the wonderful hope that this time of the year has always offered, I'm reminded that time is passing. People are moving on with their lives. However, a time that used to always stand for new beginnings, hope for a brighter future has left me feeling more lonely than ever.

I've decided to start this blog as a sort of diary. Maybe one day I will share it with others, or maybe I will keep it as a place that I can say things without anyone judging me. See, so often I want to say things that I'm afraid will hurt others. I constantly have thoughts running through my mind, things I want to say or do, but I am worried that my pain will somehow hurt someone else-something I never, ever would want to do. So, for now, I will write here.

One last thing, I'm forever thankful for my 'friend' that has inspired me to start a blog. See, we probably would have never met despite us being so eerily similar; however, she, too, lost her husband around the same time that I did. We have somehow bonded over this fucked up thing that has happened to us. I'm so sorry that she has to go through this pain. I would never wish this upon my worst enemy. But, I am thankful to have her by my side in this journey of trying to find the new me, a new beginning and a brighter future.