Talk about a freaking emotional roller coaster...

I started my day off on a somewhat 'high' - I was focused on the good, how lucky I was to have the love of such a wonderful man, even if for just 4 and a half years...because those were the best damn days of my life. Literally, every single day was the best when I was with him. Even when we were fighting, which happened almost never (and it was because I was upset with myself and my own body image), he still would do ANYTHING to make me happy, to crack a smile. Actually, my work collected one or two sentences about what we were thankful for just before we left for Thanksgiving break last year. I submitted, "I'm thankful for my husband. He is willing to do whatever it takes to make me laugh daily, even if it's singing and dancing in the grocery store." Oh, the irony...the next morning, not 24 hours later, he passed away. But truly, I was so thankful for him, the love and support he gave me on a regular basis, and the unconditional love he gave me. I'm still thankful that I got to experience that.

That leads me to why I'm sitting here at the end of the day so sad and disappointed in myself. I've always been an emotional eater. This week has been really hard. Really. Fucking. Hard. On top of it, I've been thrown off with my work schedule. So, I come home at the end of the day and eat things I shouldn't. Last night it wasn't too bad...just a little too much peanut butter. Tonight, it was ice cream and oreos dipped in chocolate. What the HELL am I thinking?! Throughout this 'process' of grieving so many people have told me I inspire them. That I am so strong. That they admire my strength and determination to survive. Yet I sit here so disappointed in myself because I feel if people really knew the struggles I go through it would let them down. I'm not nearly as strong as they believe. I crack. Sometimes I crumble.

One thing I REALLY want to work on is believing in myself. Mike ALWAYS believed in me. Always. Always. Always. Good or bad, big or small, no matter what...he believed in me and loved me just how I was. So, while I feel like I let myself down today (yep, because I ate food that I wasn't "supposed" to...), I'm thankful I survived another day. Tomorrow I will wake up to fight another day. Hopefully I won't let myself down tomorrow. Because mostly, someday, I want to truly inspire people like my husband did. I want to be a role model for them...by being a happy, healthy person who encourages others to be the best they can be. To be a catalyst. Just like my husband. <3