Hi sweetheart!

Wow, I miss you... I'm climbing away on the Stair Master. I'm not sure if it's a physical thing; honestly, I think it's mental, but I feel good getting in an afternoon sweat. It resets me to get through the rest of my day. It's kind of like when you and Lexi would come hang out in my office in the afternoon, reminding me of life's most wonderf gift - you, my family. I miss you every second of every single day... I always wish I could tell you this or show you that...'We are all each other have.' You said it regularly.

Anyway, I'm wasting my time away on these stairs listening to 80s music and reading a dumb 'health' magazine. The editor's letter says, 'It's okay to lose your shit. But then you move on.' It continues, 'Life isn't about existing. It's about engaging.'

Here is the thing... I lost my shit. Mentally, physically, emotionally. Everything. Really physically...have you seen my ass? Ya know what, it's time to start fucking engaging...I know it won't be easy. Actually, it's really, really hard. But, I'm trying. I smile again. Sometimes I even laugh. It feels good. Then I feel guilty. I hope you know I would NEVER choose this, but I'm stuck....stuck here without you...for likely a long time. I don't want to be sad forever. I promise to ALWAYS miss you, cherish what we had and work my hardest to carry on your legacy. But please don't be mad at me if I laugh again.

Love you always! Your loving wife..