A fresh start

It's been a beautiful few days! The snow is starting to finally melt, the sun is shining and we almost hit 70 degrees today! The beginning of Spring has always been one of my favorite times of the year. Some of my most cherished memories, the small things that mean the most to me, have happened during this time of the year. I remember going for early morning jogs and then waking Mike up to tell him how it was going to be a beautiful day! We'd snuggle in bed or sit on the couch finally getting to relax on a Sunday morning while the sun would come pouring in the windows. Getting the chance to take Lexi for a long walk without having to wear layers of winter clothes, although Mike would always be in a cut off, shorts and flip flops. Bird chirping and playing outside the window. The sight of daffodils starting to blossom. I've always LOVED daffodils! To me, they represented a new beginning. A fresh start. We even had them everywhere at our wedding which also happened in March. March 24th. 13 days from today.

You'd think I'd be thankful that it is this time of the year again, although...one thing is different. One thing that makes EVERYTHING different. My husband passed away 3 and a half months ago on Thanksgiving morning, 2013, at the age of 31. It's been a long, hard, cold and numbing Winter. Every single day it took all my strength to get out of bed in hopes that Spring was just around the corner - a chance for me to possibly have a new beginning. A fresh start.

My husband and I own a gym, his hope and dream, that we started less than 3 months before he passed. It's a different kind of gym. One where you roll up the garage doors, flip tires and push prowlers outside in the warmer months. A CrossFit gym. We aren't scared to be strong and get dirty. We would go for short sprints outside between heavy lifts inside where the breeze would blow through with the music blaring. We had to put all these fun things away, roll down the garage doors and stay cooped up inside for the Winter. With the warm weather this past week we have revisited this fun way of training. Another thing I was looking so forward to, but now not so much.

With the start of Spring, the sign that warm days are to come and flowers will blossom again, the screech of the prowlers on the pavement on a brisk, Spring morning at the gym, and all the wonderful hope that this time of the year has always offered, I'm reminded that time is passing. People are moving on with their lives. However, a time that used to always stand for new beginnings, hope for a brighter future has left me feeling more lonely than ever.

I've decided to start this blog as a sort of diary. Maybe one day I will share it with others, or maybe I will keep it as a place that I can say things without anyone judging me. See, so often I want to say things that I'm afraid will hurt others. I constantly have thoughts running through my mind, things I want to say or do, but I am worried that my pain will somehow hurt someone else-something I never, ever would want to do. So, for now, I will write here.

One last thing, I'm forever thankful for my 'friend' that has inspired me to start a blog. See, we probably would have never met despite us being so eerily similar; however, she, too, lost her husband around the same time that I did. We have somehow bonded over this fucked up thing that has happened to us. I'm so sorry that she has to go through this pain. I would never wish this upon my worst enemy. But, I am thankful to have her by my side in this journey of trying to find the new me, a new beginning and a brighter future.