Some of my closest friends are talking about getting pregnant, are pregnant, or, the worst, have already had multiple kids and are now done. Their families are complete. WTF. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond happy for my friends. Especially the ones who struggled for years trying to get pregnant, went through treatment, or whatever else it took. I am so happy for you. Honestly, I cannot even imagine the happiness, excitement and, probably, nervousness and anxiousness that you are feeling. I love seeing your pictures on Facebook. I love the videos even more.

With that said, sometimes it is difficult to keep the 'happy face' on. The truth is, I dreamt 24/7 about seeing Mike become a father, to create a family with him. Seeing his capacity of love for Lexi, a dog, was almost scary. We always joked about him and Lexi moving out when the babies came because Lexi was his little princess. We both knew...that was just the start of daddy's little princesses. The idea of creating a little human that was part me and part the person I loved more than myself was beyond anything I can put into words. I couldn't wait to see Mike become the father to our children that I never had. I know without a doubt in my heart that he would have been the most incredible daddy. I know because we talked about it every single day. I still save the list of baby names we had created...

Beyond the daily nightmare of navigating life by myself, lonely as f*ck, and trying to figure out what the hell 'normal' now is, I'm scared that I'll never have a family. Mike promised me that if we weren't pregnant by 32 (did I mention we had been trying for a year and a half) that we would go see a doctor. For now, we focused on his career as a Strongman and his goal to become The World's Strongest Man. I was in full support of it. One of the most hurtful things I've heard since Mike's passing came from his mother. After saying goodbye to his cold body, she walked up to me, in the hospital, and told me, "You better not be pregnant. You aren't allowed to have a piece of him and I don't." Yep... go ahead, read it again. You read it right.

Those closest to me say it's too early to say how I'll feel in a few years, where I'll be at or what I'll want. I just can't imagine never becoming someone's mommy. So, to keep my promise with Mike, at 32 I'll approach it again.