6 Months...

Hello there, 6 months...

They say, "Missing someone gets easier everyday. Because, even though it is one day further from the last time you saw each other, it is one day closer to the next day you will."

I used to lean on the quote often when you traveled. I do and always have loved quotes, I like the way in which they can make me feel better or take difficult things and make them appear so simple. This always made me feel better when you were travelling the world competing and I was at home missing you. Now, I don't know... I know people would be shocked and saddened, but one of my greatest fears now is that I will never see you again. How am I supposed to know?

I've been asking for signs from you. Signs to know that I am making you happy. Making you proud. That I'm holding up my half of 'Team Jenkins.' Maybe I'm looking too hard, or maybe not close enough. But this morning, on the 6th month anniversary of your passing, I at least found something that comforts me...I'm doing my very best to make your dream last and live on.

Remember that 7am CrossFit class that I would always leave you alone with? Not because of the time, people or whatever. Mostly because it was our smallest class and some days there would be just one or two people there?! Well, I teach it now. Almost every day. And ya know what? Today we had 13 people there! I know that's not huge, and we have bigger classes. But, our old 1-2 people 7am class is growing. Our entire box is growing! And to top it off, we did deficit deadlifts! I have so much to learn still, but I know that you taught me so many things about training myself and others. I truly have fallen in love with it! Our box, your dream, is growing more and more every single day. The Condran family, the coaches - I still want to be Jana when I grow up, and the members...oh, the members! I love them all in their own unique ways! Some you would know, and some you wouldn't, but they all have their own special roles as a part of our family now. We celebrate holidays together and many other wonderful life events! We cry together. We've done a lot of that over the past 6 months. A lot. Way too much, but we do it together. We are running the Color Run together this weekend! Ha ha ha...I know, I know...your love for running. The thing is, we do so much together and they have become my family. I am beyond thankful for them, and I'm not sure I tell them enough.

Professionally, I'd say things are going pretty well! I have found a passion through your dream, making it my dream and have been using it as a reason to get up every day. Honestly, something I still need most days...a reason to get up.

Personally, I can't say things are even a fraction as good as life with the gym is. However, I can say this, I'm progressing. It's day to day. I'm using the time to focus on me, work on goals that I'd like to accomplish and find out what makes me happy. Truth be told, I miss you every single second and think about you even more when I'm alone. The way you would make up songs and dances, the inside jokes we shared and the all around happiness and joy that we shared 24/7. Oh, and your talking hand. I don't know where you came up with half of the sh!t you did, but oh God, you made me so happy. I miss it so much. I miss you so much. I know that will never be replaced, but someday I hope to find a part two. A different, but equally good part two. And I hope and pray that you would be OK with that. I think you would be. I know it's crazy that I admit that, think about it, etc., but I believe in my heart that you wouldn't want me to be miserable for the rest of my life. Anyway, enough about that, because...it's personal. And I'm just not quite ready to share all of that with everyone yet.

I've made the decision to share this blog, with whoever wants to read it, today. It could be a huge mistake. Oh, I hope it isn't. But there is one strong, driving force that makes me want to share it...my dear friend Liz. Mike, I hope by now you have met her husband up in heaven and you guys are lifting heavy stuff together. Reading her blog, talking with her, meeting with her - it has all helped me so much. She has taught me that it is OK to live. It's OK to want to and it's OK to actually do so. If just one person could find just an ounce of hope out of all of my struggles, then I'm happy. This is beyond painful. I would never, ever wish this upon my worst enemy - hypothetically speaking that I had one! ;) Each day has been a living nightmare. I miss you all the time and truly cannot understand why you had to leave this Earth, me and our families and friends. I don't know if I will ever know why. But, I need to make the most of what is in front of me. I promise to continue making you proud, carrying on your dreams and ALWAYS taking super good care of sexy Lexi, the way her daddy did.

"If there ever comes a day when we cannot be together, keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever." - Winnie the Pooh

Oh, Mike...I miss you so much. It's been almost 6 months (2 days shy) and I just miss you so very, very much.

You made life fun. You had a way of taking life's most mundane things and making it fun. Grocery shopping, running errands, cleaning the house, long drives...all of it...you made it fun. Even worse now, things that should be fun have become chores. Weekends away, outings, going out, staying in and relaxing...all of that...it's just not the same without you. I have no real way of explaining it other than those things have become work to me. Things I feel I should do, need to do, but a majority of the time I think about how different it would be if Mike were here. How much more fun it would be.

And my fuse has gone from a mile long to an inch. I HATE that about me. Take my last post here as an example. So little can send me over the edge. People mean well, they want to help, make a mistake or are even just doing their job...whatever it is...and it just upsets me so much. And me, of all people, freak out. I hate that about me. Ironically enough, I somehow think you would enjoy it. LOL

I want to be happy again. I think you would want me to be happy again. Honestly, I just have no idea how to even do that. Where to start. I miss having someone to talk to, spend down time with, someone that gets me and loves me just the same. I miss you so much. Sometimes I wish you could send me a sign so obvious, some type of miracle I guess, to tell me if I'm on the right path. I love you.

Life changes...

That moment when you go to the dentist and they ask you to fill out the questionaire...

'Has anything changed since your last visit on 11/18/2013?' You have got to be FUCKING kidding me...

Question 1: 'Marital status?' Seriously, no fucking clue how to fill in the blank that followed that easy, two worded question. Couldn't they have given me options and a box to check off? Seriously had no idea... unlike all the people who like to compare my current situation to their break up/divorce. Thanks for trying, but this is nothing like your fucking divorce... for starters, no one chose to leave. Neither Mike or I wanted out. We were extremely happy. Again, I appreciate you trying to understand...but this isn't a failed relationship. I won't pretend to know how it feels to be in your shoes, but please give me the same respect.

Question 2: 'Emergency contact = Mike Jenkins 443-904-4760' There was your name and number...I remember putting it in my phone for the first time. LOL, I never changed it to husband, no heart...I don't know why...it stayed Mike Jenkins in my phone for years. Still there. Not you, you had a silly photo of me on your phone...back when I had the short, short hair...it always made me laugh! Well, now at the age of 28 I 'get' to put my 'mommy' as my emergency contact...freaking awesome. Not.

Question 3: 'Medicines/prescriptions' Yep, right there was the reminder I wanted...'prenatal vitamins.' Yep, because on November 18th, less than six months ago, my husband, the love of my life, my entire universe...he and I were trying so hard to have a baby.

Fuck. Just when you think you are making progress, I get knocked right back down. God, I miss you so much.

The dentist asked if I'm stressed...he said I grind my teeth at night and recommended a glass of wine before bed to calm me. Was that a fucking joke? I'm honestly not sure. And, stressed? Really?

Be a Simple (Kind of) Man

I heard your song today. Twice.

Mama told me when I was young
Come sit beside me, my only son
And listen closely to what I say.
And if you do this
It will help you some sunny day.
Take your time... Don't live too fast,
Troubles will come and they will pass.
Go find a woman and you'll find love,
And don't forget son,
There is someone up above.

[Chorus:]
And be a simple kind of man.
Be something you love and understand.
Baby, be a simple kind of man.
Oh won't you do this for me son,
If you can?

Forget your lust for the rich man's gold
All that you need is in your soul,
And you can do this if you try.
All that I want for you my son,
Is to be satisfied.

[Chorus]

Boy, don't you worry.
You'll find yourself.
Follow your heart,
And nothing else.
You can do this,
If you try.
All that I want for you my son,
Is to be satisfied.

[Chorus]

Baby, be a simple, be a simple man
Oh, be something you love and understand
Baby, be a simple kind of man

First time was at the gym this morning. I literally know it with the first note of the song. I've had my attacks when I hear it, but not today. Today, it made me smile...a thankfulness of wonderful memories. I miss you so much, but I think I'm growing and doing my best to make you proud. Although your life was WAY too short...our life together was cut extremely short, I think you lived a wonderful life while you were here. You were happy. We were happy. I heard it again tonight when I was out with mom at Paint Nite. For a second I freaked out, said we had to get out of there, but I took a couple breaths and survived...until I could hurry up and get out of there!

I accidentally washed one of the mailbox keys tonight. Found it in the bottom of the wash machine. Sound familiar? I think you are somehow hiding them because I seem to lose the multiples constantly even though I used to be the one to holler at you about this! I still often let one sit on the corner of your bathroom counter...where I could always find your copy. I know it sounds stupid. But, it's just something I do. I do a lot of things I never did before...I don't know why, but I'm trying to live the way I imagine you would have. <3

Hi sweetheart!

Wow, I miss you... I'm climbing away on the Stair Master. I'm not sure if it's a physical thing; honestly, I think it's mental, but I feel good getting in an afternoon sweat. It resets me to get through the rest of my day. It's kind of like when you and Lexi would come hang out in my office in the afternoon, reminding me of life's most wonderf gift - you, my family. I miss you every second of every single day... I always wish I could tell you this or show you that...'We are all each other have.' You said it regularly.

Anyway, I'm wasting my time away on these stairs listening to 80s music and reading a dumb 'health' magazine. The editor's letter says, 'It's okay to lose your shit. But then you move on.' It continues, 'Life isn't about existing. It's about engaging.'

Here is the thing... I lost my shit. Mentally, physically, emotionally. Everything. Really physically...have you seen my ass? Ya know what, it's time to start fucking engaging...I know it won't be easy. Actually, it's really, really hard. But, I'm trying. I smile again. Sometimes I even laugh. It feels good. Then I feel guilty. I hope you know I would NEVER choose this, but I'm stuck....stuck here without you...for likely a long time. I don't want to be sad forever. I promise to ALWAYS miss you, cherish what we had and work my hardest to carry on your legacy. But please don't be mad at me if I laugh again.

Love you always! Your loving wife..

Being happy?

Today is Wednesday. I haven't cried since Sunday morning. This feels like such a huge accomplishment!!

I finally went ahead and watched "PS: I Love You." I'm not really sure why. I just did. I cried. I sobbed. I ugly cried and soaked the pillow I was laying on with tears. But, somehow, I felt better after.

I donated a few of Mike's clothes. Well, truth be told it was a bag of clothes that his mom gave to him and sat in our basement for over a year. He said he would go through it and I just couldn't get rid of it because it might have some high school jerseys or something in it...ya know, the 2XL shirts that he couldn't fit his right arm in! I didn't even open the bag, but it was a step.

I hung some new pictures, things that I picked, for the living room. I refinished the hutch we used at our wedding. It was always part of the plan for the hutch, but I never mustered the energy to do so. Both were projects I started within the first month of Mike passing...a distraction. I finally finished them. It sounds silly, but for the longest time the LITTLEST of tasks was completely and utterly EXHAUSTING.

God, I loved that man. I love him still. I will forever. He taught me so much about life and happiness. I've also learned not to take life for granted because you just never know what tomorrow will bring. I miss him every single day...every last second of the day. But, ya know, I want to be happy. I want to have a life again. It's not going to be easy. I don't even know if it will happen. But, I'm going to try...Mike would want me to be happy.

PS I LOVE YOU

For about 10 seconds tonight, I thought it might be a good idea to watch the movie 'PS:  I love you." It was on TV and I'm bored and lonely.

Here is the part I watched/listened to...

"This wonderful man happens to me and then, and then he died! What was the point? I'm so angry I could kill somebody. I'm alone, and it doesn't matter what job I have or what I do or what I don't do or what friends I have, he's not here. I mean, you're alone, no matter what."

Yea, that was a dumb idea...

I'm trying not to think about it too much. Instead, I'm pretty excited about the idea of trying to focus on things that would make Mike proud. Things I want to accomplish for me. And for him. I go for my CrossFit Kids cert in 2 weeks and we are starting a CF Kids program at Gamma. We are planning two big contests, both to raise money for Barbells for Boobs - a non profit who helps those who can't afford a mammogram the possibility of getting one. Mike was always passionate about helping others. So, now, I will do that in his honor! I figure it can only make me a better, happier person to give to others.

After all, here is the quote I got tattooed on me right after Mike's passing...

"It's what you give of yourself to someone else to make them great that eventually makes you great."