Hi sweetheart!

Wow, I miss you... I'm climbing away on the Stair Master. I'm not sure if it's a physical thing; honestly, I think it's mental, but I feel good getting in an afternoon sweat. It resets me to get through the rest of my day. It's kind of like when you and Lexi would come hang out in my office in the afternoon, reminding me of life's most wonderf gift - you, my family. I miss you every second of every single day... I always wish I could tell you this or show you that...'We are all each other have.' You said it regularly.

Anyway, I'm wasting my time away on these stairs listening to 80s music and reading a dumb 'health' magazine. The editor's letter says, 'It's okay to lose your shit. But then you move on.' It continues, 'Life isn't about existing. It's about engaging.'

Here is the thing... I lost my shit. Mentally, physically, emotionally. Everything. Really physically...have you seen my ass? Ya know what, it's time to start fucking engaging...I know it won't be easy. Actually, it's really, really hard. But, I'm trying. I smile again. Sometimes I even laugh. It feels good. Then I feel guilty. I hope you know I would NEVER choose this, but I'm stuck....stuck here without you...for likely a long time. I don't want to be sad forever. I promise to ALWAYS miss you, cherish what we had and work my hardest to carry on your legacy. But please don't be mad at me if I laugh again.

Love you always! Your loving wife..

Being happy?

Today is Wednesday. I haven't cried since Sunday morning. This feels like such a huge accomplishment!!

I finally went ahead and watched "PS: I Love You." I'm not really sure why. I just did. I cried. I sobbed. I ugly cried and soaked the pillow I was laying on with tears. But, somehow, I felt better after.

I donated a few of Mike's clothes. Well, truth be told it was a bag of clothes that his mom gave to him and sat in our basement for over a year. He said he would go through it and I just couldn't get rid of it because it might have some high school jerseys or something in it...ya know, the 2XL shirts that he couldn't fit his right arm in! I didn't even open the bag, but it was a step.

I hung some new pictures, things that I picked, for the living room. I refinished the hutch we used at our wedding. It was always part of the plan for the hutch, but I never mustered the energy to do so. Both were projects I started within the first month of Mike passing...a distraction. I finally finished them. It sounds silly, but for the longest time the LITTLEST of tasks was completely and utterly EXHAUSTING.

God, I loved that man. I love him still. I will forever. He taught me so much about life and happiness. I've also learned not to take life for granted because you just never know what tomorrow will bring. I miss him every single day...every last second of the day. But, ya know, I want to be happy. I want to have a life again. It's not going to be easy. I don't even know if it will happen. But, I'm going to try...Mike would want me to be happy.

PS I LOVE YOU

For about 10 seconds tonight, I thought it might be a good idea to watch the movie 'PS:  I love you." It was on TV and I'm bored and lonely.

Here is the part I watched/listened to...

"This wonderful man happens to me and then, and then he died! What was the point? I'm so angry I could kill somebody. I'm alone, and it doesn't matter what job I have or what I do or what I don't do or what friends I have, he's not here. I mean, you're alone, no matter what."

Yea, that was a dumb idea...

I'm trying not to think about it too much. Instead, I'm pretty excited about the idea of trying to focus on things that would make Mike proud. Things I want to accomplish for me. And for him. I go for my CrossFit Kids cert in 2 weeks and we are starting a CF Kids program at Gamma. We are planning two big contests, both to raise money for Barbells for Boobs - a non profit who helps those who can't afford a mammogram the possibility of getting one. Mike was always passionate about helping others. So, now, I will do that in his honor! I figure it can only make me a better, happier person to give to others.

After all, here is the quote I got tattooed on me right after Mike's passing...

"It's what you give of yourself to someone else to make them great that eventually makes you great."

Hi love

Hi love of my life,

Tonight I wanted to write you a letter. I know it sounds silly, after all, you are with me constantly, in my head, you know how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking without me having to write it down. Regardless, somehow it helps me feel better. I had a good couple of days. Ya know, relatively speaking. Like I didn't want to kill myself yesterday or today...it's a start.

Yesterday I officially became half owner of CrossFit Gamma! Mike C has always been good about making us feel that way, but with the change of plans...we had to adjust. So, yea, all the legal jargon is done and now...me...an owner of a gym. A business. Oh dear Lord...help our current and future members!! And help Mike C! ;-)

Truth is though, God, baby, thank you so much for leaving me with this family of people. I have no clue what I would do without them. You started this community, and they are now taking care of me day in and day out. I'm sorry you missed their first 'max out week' - it was the week of your funeral. It was a complete blur. Honestly, I don't remember it at all. But it's now 4 months later, we did your strength program and maxed out again this week. The pure and utter joy I've seen on every single person's face reminds me of you. Most of them got to meet you. We talk of you often. (They still hate smashing, and especially your nasty feet, but I will convince them again of the benefits!) Anyway, I really think you touched them in the short time that they knew you. I know they changed you (and me), too, for the best. They are all very special people. Even those that didn't get to meet you, they know of you...they tell me. Your spirit is alive and well between those purple and green walls. I know you are proud. :)

And one last thing, if you could visit with Mollie a little...I think she could use it. We all miss you, but she really misses her brother.

I love you. Always and forever.

Your wife,
Keri

Last night was quite the 'experience.' I had the night off from coaching, but I truly just love being at the gym. The atmosphere is positive and fun...and distracting. I like it!

Well, last night brought back way too many memories for me.

So few know. Actually, I think just my mom knows.

Everyone believes Mike passed away in his sleep. Yes, he did. He never did wake up. But it all happened just a little bit differently than most may think...

I woke up to what I thought was super loud snoring. Honestly, that wasn't too abnormal - Mike was approved for a CPAP machine the day before he passed away. Before I knew it, he fell off the bed. Maybe a bad dream or something, so I laughed and hollered at him to get up. There was no response other than lots of gasping for air. I got out of bed and ran around to Mike laying on the floor, eyes rolled back and eyelids almost closed. No response. Nothing. I freaked. I called 911 and they talked me through moving a 400 pound person. My husband. And then proceeded to give me directions for chest compressions. It was awful. It was God awful. My husband. 400 pounds. My husband. I've been trained for this. My husband. The ambulance came. I think we all know how it ended...

Last night a girl passed out at the gym. She is now totally fine. She has a condition and sometimes she passes out. It's happened before and will likely happen again. She was laying there, eyes rolled back...she came back extremely quickly, but it was enough to 'set me off.' Thank God for our doctors, nurses, coaches, etc., etc. She was fine. The ambulance came. Way too many similarities for someone who experienced this with her husband. Thank God this girl was fine. Beyond fine - up laughing and eating within minutes. But way too many similarities...

I'm so thankful to my friends and family for understanding my reaction. For not judging me or questioning the things running through my head last night. For just being there.

It's been a very, VERY trying couple of weeks. Something I just didn't think I was going to be able to get out of. To recover from. But, for today, this minute at least, I have a smile on my face.

I drove the two hours to State College yesterday to celebrate the birthday of my friend's late husband. (I stayed for a few hours and then drove back. Got home waayyy past my bedtime!) The first birthday of his since his passing. I dread this day. It's days like that that put me in my downward spiral - those anniversary type of days. Anyway, they had a kind of birthday celebration at the gym. It wasn't about me, at all, but somehow it helped me. To see my friend being so strong, it was admirable. They were all powerlifters. The ones who simply love the sport. There isn't any money or glory in the sport at that level. They work regular jobs, maybe even extra part time jobs, to support their love of this unrewarding sport. Again, simply for the love it. It so reminded me of the days before Mike even turned pro. The late night training sessions after working or traveling, the sacrifice, the blood, sweat and tears. It felt like coming home. People who didn't know me, but they understood. And I understood them. It was perfect and just what I needed.

Then, this morning, I slept in. I'm SO thankful for the coaches that help at CrossFit Gamma. It's been such a blessing to get time off from time to time. It makes me miss the gym all that much more, but it also gives me some 'me' time...even if that means I'm just sleeping, which in this lonely and boring life it typically does. Anyway, today was deadlifting. I F.I.N.A.L.L.Y pulled in the 300s...305 for 1. Not sure if I could have hit another one or two. Not really sure I care. I'm so excited because I know Mike saw it. Oh my gosh, he would have been so excited! I miss him so incredibly much, but I continue to be thankful for the love we shared, the life we shared...days like today I think it might just be enough to last me my lifetime. I hope so.

On the way home I hit a few hiccups that would typically throw me off - an ungrateful person who doesn't give you the 'thank you wave' when you give them the right away, man that pisses me off. The ambulance that I passed. I just will NEVER look at them the same way. The familiar Jeep of an old best friend that I miss so much. All things that upset me way more than they should, but I'm surviving.

So, I live another day. I choose to live another day when some days I doubt my desire for this. Thankful for whatever it was in the past few hours that helped me get back on a better track. Here is hoping I can stay here a little longer this time.