Talk about a freaking emotional roller coaster...
I started my day off on a somewhat 'high' - I was focused on the good, how lucky I was to have the love of such a wonderful man, even if for just 4 and a half years...because those were the best damn days of my life. Literally, every single day was the best when I was with him. Even when we were fighting, which happened almost never (and it was because I was upset with myself and my own body image), he still would do ANYTHING to make me happy, to crack a smile. Actually, my work collected one or two sentences about what we were thankful for just before we left for Thanksgiving break last year. I submitted, "I'm thankful for my husband. He is willing to do whatever it takes to make me laugh daily, even if it's singing and dancing in the grocery store." Oh, the irony...the next morning, not 24 hours later, he passed away. But truly, I was so thankful for him, the love and support he gave me on a regular basis, and the unconditional love he gave me. I'm still thankful that I got to experience that.
That leads me to why I'm sitting here at the end of the day so sad and disappointed in myself. I've always been an emotional eater. This week has been really hard. Really. Fucking. Hard. On top of it, I've been thrown off with my work schedule. So, I come home at the end of the day and eat things I shouldn't. Last night it wasn't too bad...just a little too much peanut butter. Tonight, it was ice cream and oreos dipped in chocolate. What the HELL am I thinking?! Throughout this 'process' of grieving so many people have told me I inspire them. That I am so strong. That they admire my strength and determination to survive. Yet I sit here so disappointed in myself because I feel if people really knew the struggles I go through it would let them down. I'm not nearly as strong as they believe. I crack. Sometimes I crumble.
One thing I REALLY want to work on is believing in myself. Mike ALWAYS believed in me. Always. Always. Always. Good or bad, big or small, no matter what...he believed in me and loved me just how I was. So, while I feel like I let myself down today (yep, because I ate food that I wasn't "supposed" to...), I'm thankful I survived another day. Tomorrow I will wake up to fight another day. Hopefully I won't let myself down tomorrow. Because mostly, someday, I want to truly inspire people like my husband did. I want to be a role model for them...by being a happy, healthy person who encourages others to be the best they can be. To be a catalyst. Just like my husband. <3
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Friday, March 21, 2014
Today is one of Mike's best friend's birthday.
World's Strongest Man 2014 starts filming tomorrow, Saturday. Mike proposed 3 years ago on this day, too. He re-enacted our first date. It was perfect.
Our two year wedding anniversary is on Monday.
A week from today we are having our 2nd picnic at CrossFit Gamma. Mike was here for the first. He died 4 months ago on this day.
Please God, don't let me sink. Please. Because right now it's a struggle to get from one minute to the next.
That's all for today. I simply have no words to describe how scared I am.
World's Strongest Man 2014 starts filming tomorrow, Saturday. Mike proposed 3 years ago on this day, too. He re-enacted our first date. It was perfect.
Our two year wedding anniversary is on Monday.
A week from today we are having our 2nd picnic at CrossFit Gamma. Mike was here for the first. He died 4 months ago on this day.
Please God, don't let me sink. Please. Because right now it's a struggle to get from one minute to the next.
That's all for today. I simply have no words to describe how scared I am.
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Some of my closest friends are talking about getting pregnant, are pregnant, or, the worst, have already had multiple kids and are now done. Their families are complete. WTF. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond happy for my friends. Especially the ones who struggled for years trying to get pregnant, went through treatment, or whatever else it took. I am so happy for you. Honestly, I cannot even imagine the happiness, excitement and, probably, nervousness and anxiousness that you are feeling. I love seeing your pictures on Facebook. I love the videos even more.
With that said, sometimes it is difficult to keep the 'happy face' on. The truth is, I dreamt 24/7 about seeing Mike become a father, to create a family with him. Seeing his capacity of love for Lexi, a dog, was almost scary. We always joked about him and Lexi moving out when the babies came because Lexi was his little princess. We both knew...that was just the start of daddy's little princesses. The idea of creating a little human that was part me and part the person I loved more than myself was beyond anything I can put into words. I couldn't wait to see Mike become the father to our children that I never had. I know without a doubt in my heart that he would have been the most incredible daddy. I know because we talked about it every single day. I still save the list of baby names we had created...
Beyond the daily nightmare of navigating life by myself, lonely as f*ck, and trying to figure out what the hell 'normal' now is, I'm scared that I'll never have a family. Mike promised me that if we weren't pregnant by 32 (did I mention we had been trying for a year and a half) that we would go see a doctor. For now, we focused on his career as a Strongman and his goal to become The World's Strongest Man. I was in full support of it. One of the most hurtful things I've heard since Mike's passing came from his mother. After saying goodbye to his cold body, she walked up to me, in the hospital, and told me, "You better not be pregnant. You aren't allowed to have a piece of him and I don't." Yep... go ahead, read it again. You read it right.
Those closest to me say it's too early to say how I'll feel in a few years, where I'll be at or what I'll want. I just can't imagine never becoming someone's mommy. So, to keep my promise with Mike, at 32 I'll approach it again.
With that said, sometimes it is difficult to keep the 'happy face' on. The truth is, I dreamt 24/7 about seeing Mike become a father, to create a family with him. Seeing his capacity of love for Lexi, a dog, was almost scary. We always joked about him and Lexi moving out when the babies came because Lexi was his little princess. We both knew...that was just the start of daddy's little princesses. The idea of creating a little human that was part me and part the person I loved more than myself was beyond anything I can put into words. I couldn't wait to see Mike become the father to our children that I never had. I know without a doubt in my heart that he would have been the most incredible daddy. I know because we talked about it every single day. I still save the list of baby names we had created...
Beyond the daily nightmare of navigating life by myself, lonely as f*ck, and trying to figure out what the hell 'normal' now is, I'm scared that I'll never have a family. Mike promised me that if we weren't pregnant by 32 (did I mention we had been trying for a year and a half) that we would go see a doctor. For now, we focused on his career as a Strongman and his goal to become The World's Strongest Man. I was in full support of it. One of the most hurtful things I've heard since Mike's passing came from his mother. After saying goodbye to his cold body, she walked up to me, in the hospital, and told me, "You better not be pregnant. You aren't allowed to have a piece of him and I don't." Yep... go ahead, read it again. You read it right.
Those closest to me say it's too early to say how I'll feel in a few years, where I'll be at or what I'll want. I just can't imagine never becoming someone's mommy. So, to keep my promise with Mike, at 32 I'll approach it again.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
A fresh start
It's been a beautiful few days! The snow is starting to finally melt, the sun is shining and we almost hit 70 degrees today! The beginning of Spring has always been one of my favorite times of the year. Some of my most cherished memories, the small things that mean the most to me, have happened during this time of the year. I remember going for early morning jogs and then waking Mike up to tell him how it was going to be a beautiful day! We'd snuggle in bed or sit on the couch finally getting to relax on a Sunday morning while the sun would come pouring in the windows. Getting the chance to take Lexi for a long walk without having to wear layers of winter clothes, although Mike would always be in a cut off, shorts and flip flops. Bird chirping and playing outside the window. The sight of daffodils starting to blossom. I've always LOVED daffodils! To me, they represented a new beginning. A fresh start. We even had them everywhere at our wedding which also happened in March. March 24th. 13 days from today.
You'd think I'd be thankful that it is this time of the year again, although...one thing is different. One thing that makes EVERYTHING different. My husband passed away 3 and a half months ago on Thanksgiving morning, 2013, at the age of 31. It's been a long, hard, cold and numbing Winter. Every single day it took all my strength to get out of bed in hopes that Spring was just around the corner - a chance for me to possibly have a new beginning. A fresh start.
My husband and I own a gym, his hope and dream, that we started less than 3 months before he passed. It's a different kind of gym. One where you roll up the garage doors, flip tires and push prowlers outside in the warmer months. A CrossFit gym. We aren't scared to be strong and get dirty. We would go for short sprints outside between heavy lifts inside where the breeze would blow through with the music blaring. We had to put all these fun things away, roll down the garage doors and stay cooped up inside for the Winter. With the warm weather this past week we have revisited this fun way of training. Another thing I was looking so forward to, but now not so much.
With the start of Spring, the sign that warm days are to come and flowers will blossom again, the screech of the prowlers on the pavement on a brisk, Spring morning at the gym, and all the wonderful hope that this time of the year has always offered, I'm reminded that time is passing. People are moving on with their lives. However, a time that used to always stand for new beginnings, hope for a brighter future has left me feeling more lonely than ever.
I've decided to start this blog as a sort of diary. Maybe one day I will share it with others, or maybe I will keep it as a place that I can say things without anyone judging me. See, so often I want to say things that I'm afraid will hurt others. I constantly have thoughts running through my mind, things I want to say or do, but I am worried that my pain will somehow hurt someone else-something I never, ever would want to do. So, for now, I will write here.
One last thing, I'm forever thankful for my 'friend' that has inspired me to start a blog. See, we probably would have never met despite us being so eerily similar; however, she, too, lost her husband around the same time that I did. We have somehow bonded over this fucked up thing that has happened to us. I'm so sorry that she has to go through this pain. I would never wish this upon my worst enemy. But, I am thankful to have her by my side in this journey of trying to find the new me, a new beginning and a brighter future.
You'd think I'd be thankful that it is this time of the year again, although...one thing is different. One thing that makes EVERYTHING different. My husband passed away 3 and a half months ago on Thanksgiving morning, 2013, at the age of 31. It's been a long, hard, cold and numbing Winter. Every single day it took all my strength to get out of bed in hopes that Spring was just around the corner - a chance for me to possibly have a new beginning. A fresh start.
My husband and I own a gym, his hope and dream, that we started less than 3 months before he passed. It's a different kind of gym. One where you roll up the garage doors, flip tires and push prowlers outside in the warmer months. A CrossFit gym. We aren't scared to be strong and get dirty. We would go for short sprints outside between heavy lifts inside where the breeze would blow through with the music blaring. We had to put all these fun things away, roll down the garage doors and stay cooped up inside for the Winter. With the warm weather this past week we have revisited this fun way of training. Another thing I was looking so forward to, but now not so much.
With the start of Spring, the sign that warm days are to come and flowers will blossom again, the screech of the prowlers on the pavement on a brisk, Spring morning at the gym, and all the wonderful hope that this time of the year has always offered, I'm reminded that time is passing. People are moving on with their lives. However, a time that used to always stand for new beginnings, hope for a brighter future has left me feeling more lonely than ever.
I've decided to start this blog as a sort of diary. Maybe one day I will share it with others, or maybe I will keep it as a place that I can say things without anyone judging me. See, so often I want to say things that I'm afraid will hurt others. I constantly have thoughts running through my mind, things I want to say or do, but I am worried that my pain will somehow hurt someone else-something I never, ever would want to do. So, for now, I will write here.
One last thing, I'm forever thankful for my 'friend' that has inspired me to start a blog. See, we probably would have never met despite us being so eerily similar; however, she, too, lost her husband around the same time that I did. We have somehow bonded over this fucked up thing that has happened to us. I'm so sorry that she has to go through this pain. I would never wish this upon my worst enemy. But, I am thankful to have her by my side in this journey of trying to find the new me, a new beginning and a brighter future.
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