They say, "Missing someone gets easier everyday. Because, even though it is one day further from the last time you saw each other, it is one day closer to the next day you will."
I used to lean on the quote often when you traveled. I do and always have loved quotes, I like the way in which they can make me feel better or take difficult things and make them appear so simple. This always made me feel better when you were travelling the world competing and I was at home missing you. Now, I don't know... I know people would be shocked and saddened, but one of my greatest fears now is that I will never see you again. How am I supposed to know?
I've been asking for signs from you. Signs to know that I am making you happy. Making you proud. That I'm holding up my half of 'Team Jenkins.' Maybe I'm looking too hard, or maybe not close enough. But this morning, on the 6th month anniversary of your passing, I at least found something that comforts me...I'm doing my very best to make your dream last and live on.
Remember that 7am CrossFit class that I would always leave you alone with? Not because of the time, people or whatever. Mostly because it was our smallest class and some days there would be just one or two people there?! Well, I teach it now. Almost every day. And ya know what? Today we had 13 people there! I know that's not huge, and we have bigger classes. But, our old 1-2 people 7am class is growing. Our entire box is growing! And to top it off, we did deficit deadlifts! I have so much to learn still, but I know that you taught me so many things about training myself and others. I truly have fallen in love with it! Our box, your dream, is growing more and more every single day. The Condran family, the coaches - I still want to be Jana when I grow up, and the members...oh, the members! I love them all in their own unique ways! Some you would know, and some you wouldn't, but they all have their own special roles as a part of our family now. We celebrate holidays together and many other wonderful life events! We cry together. We've done a lot of that over the past 6 months. A lot. Way too much, but we do it together. We are running the Color Run together this weekend! Ha ha ha...I know, I know...your love for running. The thing is, we do so much together and they have become my family. I am beyond thankful for them, and I'm not sure I tell them enough.
Professionally, I'd say things are going pretty well! I have found a passion through your dream, making it my dream and have been using it as a reason to get up every day. Honestly, something I still need most days...a reason to get up.
Personally, I can't say things are even a fraction as good as life with the gym is. However, I can say this, I'm progressing. It's day to day. I'm using the time to focus on me, work on goals that I'd like to accomplish and find out what makes me happy. Truth be told, I miss you every single second and think about you even more when I'm alone. The way you would make up songs and dances, the inside jokes we shared and the all around happiness and joy that we shared 24/7. Oh, and your talking hand. I don't know where you came up with half of the sh!t you did, but oh God, you made me so happy. I miss it so much. I miss you so much. I know that will never be replaced, but someday I hope to find a part two. A different, but equally good part two. And I hope and pray that you would be OK with that. I think you would be. I know it's crazy that I admit that, think about it, etc., but I believe in my heart that you wouldn't want me to be miserable for the rest of my life. Anyway, enough about that, because...it's personal. And I'm just not quite ready to share all of that with everyone yet.
I've made the decision to share this blog, with whoever wants to read it, today. It could be a huge mistake. Oh, I hope it isn't. But there is one strong, driving force that makes me want to share it...my dear friend Liz. Mike, I hope by now you have met her husband up in heaven and you guys are lifting heavy stuff together. Reading her blog, talking with her, meeting with her - it has all helped me so much. She has taught me that it is OK to live. It's OK to want to and it's OK to actually do so. If just one person could find just an ounce of hope out of all of my struggles, then I'm happy. This is beyond painful. I would never, ever wish this upon my worst enemy - hypothetically speaking that I had one! ;) Each day has been a living nightmare. I miss you all the time and truly cannot understand why you had to leave this Earth, me and our families and friends. I don't know if I will ever know why. But, I need to make the most of what is in front of me. I promise to continue making you proud, carrying on your dreams and ALWAYS taking super good care of sexy Lexi, the way her daddy did.
"If there ever comes a day when we cannot be together, keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever." - Winnie the Pooh
